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New Year New Me... Get Real

I know what you're thinking, "This is a New Year's Resolution that will come to nothing." That has been my pattern and my past. I have spent the last 10 years telling myself that my healthy lifestyle can start later. That I would lose weight later. That by the time I got married, had children, etc. that, of course, I would be in a healthy place. Here I am, though, 2 years and 2 months into marriage with 2 children, and I am in the heaviest place I have ever been. There is no switch that flips and no magical spell that is cast upon you once you gain the things you were chasing, that changes your mindset about food, weight and a healthy lifestyle. That is what this is about.

Today 1/9/2017 at 248lbs
I have struggled with my body image and my weight ever since I can remember. I have yo-yoed in my weight in very unhealthy extremes and hoped that a doctor would scare me into changing my poor habits. The closest I ever approached in that regard was, "You are at risk for pre-diabetes." After taking multiple health and nutrition classes, participating in several active classes and activities (weight training in college, dancing and guard through middle and high school, even karate in elementary school), I was still gaining more and more as the years went by. I started as a freshman in high school at 155, when I finished my sophomore year I was at 170, by the time I graduated I was close to 180. Through college, I maintained that, I cannot tell you where I was when I graduated, but I am certain it wasn't good since it was the worst year of my life and once the summer was over I had very little to be proud of.

Spring 2014
After gaining purpose once again and reconnecting with my church, I was still facing issues with food addiction that I was struggling to admit to. Less than one year after graduating college, I peaked at 220 pounds. When I looked at the scale, I couldn't believe it. I was convinced that the scale was wrong by at least 20 pounds. Okay, that would not have been much better, but I didn't want to deal with the fact that I was not in a better place.

Just before I met my now husband, PJ, I began a consistent workout regimen, walking to work everyday and going to a gym a few days a week testing out Crossfit. I was down to 190! I had lost 30 pounds and was so excited about it, I was on my way to my ideal height to weight ratio!

Honeymoon - Fall 2014
We all know where this is going, right? I started seeing a guy, I was happy and he was loving and we were going on dates and we were in constant group settings for parties and game nights and restaurants... I gained 40 pounds in 10 months of dating and engagement combined. We made the decision that I would be a homemaker, so I had stopped working, moved to a new place and made tons of excuses to eat more and exercise less. When we went on our honeymoon, I was 230 pounds. A month later, I was pregnant with our first daughter, AJ. It was exciting and scary at the same time. I knew that I was going to gain more weight through my pregnancy. When we welcomed AJ in October of 2015, I was 265 when I walked into the delivery room.

38 Weeks with AJ
That was enough to motivate me into walking more, eating less, and when 2016 began, I was 240 pounds. I was so excited! I was walking 5 days a week with my newborn either around our neighborhood or at the mall. We were up to about 4 miles a day. Then, 2 weeks into the new year, we found out that I was pregnant with our second daughter. Thankfully, I was already in a better place and more encouraging mindset, so I knew this pregnancy was going to be different. In the first trimester I lost 20 pounds, I was back at my honeymoon weight! I was so excited that by the time I was in the second trimester (when I would get all my energy back and feel 'normal' again) I would be able to maintain that!

I did not give into every craving, I continued to exercise through a very hot summer, I started prenatal yoga via a YouTube channel, it was an amazing pregnancy! Then my due month came, I was convinced I would deliver early, I began giving in here and there. Then my due day came and I was binging more and more and doing exercises less. My doctors had a difficult time finding a place in their schedule for an induction and I went into the hospital 8 days past my due date and walked into the same delivery room 11 months later at 258 pounds.

41 Weeks with E
To my credit, it was an amazing delivery experience. We welcomed E in less than 24 hours of induction, she had already dropped due to active squats and yoga workouts as well as consistent walking. When I came home, I bounced back fairly quickly. I was back at the mall walking 2 miles a day 3 days a week before E was 1 month old! Before Thanksgiving came around, I was down to 245.

Then the holiday season came. I stopped stepping on the scale. I started light binging. I was expounding my portion sizes and I felt the weight coming back. Just after Christmas, I was back to 252. These last couple of weeks have been frustrating and discouraging to say the least.

2 Months Postpartum w/ E
After several discussions with my husband and times of reflection, it has become clear to me that: 2 back-to-back pregnancies, being a newlywed with little time alone with my new husband, and struggling with food addiction is taking its toll on me and I need to seek counseling and change my mindset. I have been playing a victim to my circumstances for too long and I am tired of looking in the mirror with shame.

Prayers are appreciated through this season as I face this new challenge.
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